|
Canine humor for the dog show set...
Pet dogs versus show dogs...
Pet dogs shed ............... Show dogs blow coat.
Pet dogs are in heat ........... Show dogs come into season.
Pet dogs trot ................ Show dogs gait or move.
Pet dogs stand .............. Show dogs stack.
Pet dogs get a bath .............. Show dogs are groomed.
Pet dogs beg for treats ................ Show dogs bait.
Pet dogs poop ................ Show dogs toilet or eliminate.
Pet dogs bark at other dogs ............ Show dogs spar.
Dog show in heaven...
One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the dog kennels watching the dogs laying
around.
"I am certainly bored," stated John. "Me too," Paul chimed in.
Peter stood and watched the dogs. "I know!" Peter began. "Why don't we have a dog show?"
Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out. "Who are we to
compete against, Peter?" Paul asked.
The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer.
"We will call up Satan and invite him to the dog show. I mean, we have all of the finest dogs here in heaven; all
of the World and National Champions are here. His kennels are filled with the spoiled, difficult and mean dogs. We are certain
to win at the show!"
And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to their dog show. Satan laughed
and asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them.
Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?" Peter asked. "We have all of the National
and World Champion dogs in our kennels in heaven. How could you possibly beat us?"
Satan paused a moment and then laughed. "Have you forgotten so soon gentlemen? I have all the judges!"
Are there dog shows in heaven?...
One of the most ambitious allround judges happened to be a highly religious person (not such an unlikely combination as you
might sometimes think).
He worried a lot about whether he would still be able to pursue his favourite occupation in the hereafter, and finally
he went to his priest and said, "Father, I wonder if there are dog shows in Heaven? As you are on speaking terms with
the boss, could your please find out for me?"
The priest replied that he would try and told the judge to get back to him on the next Sunday. At the appointed time when
the man got back, the priest informed him, "My child, I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that yes,
indeed, there are dog shows in Heaven. The bad news is that you have been appointed to judge their next Sunday show."
| (click on picture for larger image) |
|
|
Dogaholics Anonymous...
Good Afternoon. I am a DOGAHOLIC. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of "Dogaholics Anonymous".
Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK,
and that you really don't need any help.
It is not easy to admit that you are a Dogaholic, and it is even harder to bring yourself to a DA meeting for help. DA
is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to three or more of the following questions, you
have come to the right place.
* Can you say "BITCH" in public without blushing?
* Do you drive a station wagon, van, RV or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car?
* Do you have more than one car? One for you, and one for the dogs?
* Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to shows, specialties, and seminars, when everyone else goes on a cruise?
* If you do go overseas, is it London in March to attend Crufts, or Finland in June to attend the World Dog Show?
* Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
* Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans, and freshly washed tennis shoes?
* Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?
* Was your furniture and carpets chosen to match your dogs?
* Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?
* Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, UDX, TD, TDX, HIC, JH, SH, MH, OTCH, CH, AJ, AJX, MACH, FD, VST, FTCH, WC,
FC, OAJ, NGDC and AFC?
* Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs, dog magazines, show photos and premium lists?
* Do you get up before dawn to go to training classes, dog shows and seminars...but have trouble getting up for work?
* If you have dresses, do they all have pockets? Do those pockets often contain freeze-dried liver, Rollover, clickers,
or squeaky toys?
* When you meet a new person, do you always ask them what kind of dog they have... and do you pity them if they don't
have one?
* Do you remember the name of their dog before you remember their name?
* Do you find non-dog people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope. If you answered YES to two of the above, you are in serious
trouble.
If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the right place.
My advice to all of you with three or more YES answers is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you,
and know that your life will always be filled with good friends, good dogs, and it will NEVER be boring!
|
)
