Dog Show Definitions... 1. Great stud dog ............... Mounts anything that can fog a mirror. 2. Excels in movement ......................... If he gets loose, run like hell. 3. Personality Plus ................. Wakes up if you put liver up his nose. 4. Good bite ............................... Missed the judge, got the steward. 5. Large boned ................................... Looks like a Clydesdale. 6. Good obedience prospect ............... Smart enough to come in from the rain, but ugly. 7. Quiet and good natured ................ In his kennel. 8. Excels in type and style ................... However, moves like a spider on "speed". 9. Won in stiff competition ............... Beat four puppies and a 9 year old novice dog. 10. Multiple group winner ..................... At two puppy matches. 11. Pointed ................. His head is shaped like a carrot. 12. Noted Judge ................................... He put up our dog. 13. Respected Judge ............................He put up our dog twice. 14. Esteemed Judge ...................... He puts up anything that crawls. 15. Specialty Judge ....................... Puts up anything that looks like his own breeding. 16. Won in heavy competition ................ The other dogs were revoltingly overweight. 17. Shown sparingly ..................... Only when we had it in the bag. 18. Show Prospect ................ He has 4 legs, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 tail. 19. Finished in 5 shows ...................... And 89 where he failed to win a ribbon. 20. Well Balanced ......................... Straight as a stick, front and rear. 21. Handled brilliantly by .................. Nobody else can get near him. 22. At stud to "approved" bitches ................ Those bitches whose owner's check is good. 23. Linebred from famous champions ......... Ch. Whoozitz appears twice 6th generation. 24. Terrific brood bitch ................. Her conformation is the pits, but she conceives big litters. 25. Wins another Best In Show ............ His second, under the same judge, our uncle. I've seen a judge... I've seen a judge... Ah, such a judge Reviled ere I saw him. His reputation came before And naught good it did for him. That judge I saw Had knowledge poor, Save that he knew of faces. Incompetence he doth reveal By every dog he places. That judge, alas is not unique Treading the footprints of his clique. His like do follow after, But the plums they pull are bitter ones And bring forth bitter laughter. We're not gonna go... Oh Boy! Here's the premium list for a Show! Oh no! Not that one! We're "not" gonna go! Remember last year how we swore lose or win That we'd never set foot on these show grounds again? It was hot, it was dirty. and not enough shade, The inadequate benching was so poorly made.  The entry was lousy in bitches and dogs, And they charged way too much for their bad catalogs. The rings were so distant and located far  From the quagmire where we abandoned the car  That we nearly collapsed from having to pack  The dogs, crates and penning over and back. And we nearly expired from hunger and thirst,  'Cause the food and drink set-up was truly the worst.  And the ring was so small and on uneven ground;  There were stickers and weeds and debris all around, And it's too far to travel for just one old show So throw out the entries: we're not gonna go!  We'll stay home and loaf and relax and be glad For no bathing, nail trimming, and rushing like mad. No hitting the road at the dawn's early light,  No dragging home beat in the still of the night.  Just think of all the time and expense  We'll save by just using our good common sense. However, there "is" one small thing I'll concede:  I would like to watch while they're judging our breed.  Say, I'll tell you what! Why don't we just go  As leisurely spectators viewing the show? What a treat it will be to sit ringside with ease  And after the judging, just leave when we please.  No bother with dogs and all their regalia,  And all of the various paraphernalia. But. as long as we'll be there, what could be wrong  With 'just for fun' taking one dog along?  OK! We'll take one. But the problem is: which?  A pup? The special? A dog or a bitch?  If we took a puppy it would just be for fun  But we could sure use the points if the dog or bitch won. We'll never decide - it's no use to stall.  Dig out the entries - We'll enter them all!  But if it turns out as bad as we fear,  We'll really and truly stay home "next" year!